Long-Distance Caregiving: Stay Connected and Support Your Parents From Afar
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I got a call from Mom, the sounds of the emergency room buzzing in the background. Dad had fallen in the bathroom, and she’d found him unconscious. She called 911 and stayed by his side, whispering, “Stay with me, stay with me,” as she waited for the ambulance. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to say, I’ll be right there. But when you live almost 3,000 miles away, figuring out how to provide long-distance caregiving feels heartbreaking and, at times, impossible.
What exactly is long-distance caregiving? According to the National Institute on Aging, if you live over an hour from the person needing care, you’re a long-distance caregiver. The care may take many forms, from helping with insurance claims to researching long-term care options to planning visits for in-person support.
Like many sandwich generation families, ours is scattered across different geographies. I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast in my twenties, while my parents retired down south, and my siblings settled elsewhere. My husband left the Midwest to bounce around before settling out west with me. Now, with our parents getting older and Dad battling stage four cancer, we’re learning firsthand how complex and emotional long-distance caregiving can be. There’s stress, guilt, and too much travel. There has to be joy and love though as well, or what’s the point? With that in mind, this post will explore what I’ve learned about how to stay connected and support parents from afar.
Long-Distance Caregiving: Stay Connected and Informed
If you are involved in long-distance caregiving then communication is one of your superpowers. One of the basics is going to be a regular chat schedule. For my family, it’s Sunday FaceTime with the parents. Without that goal, it would be way too easy for weeks to slip by without seeing each others faces.
It’s also helpful to keep track of your parent’s schedules. I like asking how my parent’s doctor appointments went, which can be a phone call or even just a simple text. Having a shared family calendar is one option to keep things organized. Google Calendar has directions on how to set up a Family Calendar, and there are also other calendar tools like Family Wall or Cozi, that are user friendly and designed specifically for families. If you are comfortable with it, sharing your own calendar and your kids’ schedules can be a meaningful way to include your parents in your day-to-day life. It fosters a sense of connectedness, even from a distance.
Another tip is to gather the phone numbers of the people involved in your parents’ lives. They likely have neighbors, friends, church members, or medical providers who see them in person more often. If your parents are comfortable with it, get a few of those numbers and share yours as well. This extra layer of support can be invaluable, especially during stressful moments when you are worried about your parents but need additional in-person support or opinions.
Support the Primary Caregiver
If one of your parents is a primary caregiver to another, they have a lot on their plate. It’s way too common for people providing care to go unnoticed. I often ask my mom, “How’s Dad?”, and let that dominate the whole conversation. But how’s she doing?
In that vein, there may be things the caregiver really doesn’t like to do or needs help with. For example, maybe they need help with basics like making doctor’s appointments and syncing that to your shared family calendar. They might really appreciate your research skills related to a condition they have (as long as it doesn’t take the place of actual medical care!) or services they may be eligible for.
Perhaps most importantly, every caretaker needs a break. Medicare offers home health services, including “medically necessary part-time or intermittent skilled nursing care”. To qualify for Medicare-covered home health care, your parents will need to work with their doctor, who will certify it’s medically necessary. The parent who needs care will need to be considered homebound, meaning it’s very difficult for them to leave the house without help. It’s important to note that Medicare won’t cover 24-hour care or non-medical necessities like meal prep or cleaning, unless those are part of the care plan.
One way you may be able to support your parents, especially the primary caregiver, is helping them to sort through their Medicare benefits! There are several resources available to wade through what can be a confusing system. You can:
- Directly call medicare at 1-800-MEDICARE
- Contact your local State Health Insurance Assistance Program (SHIP) for free personalized health insurance counseling
- If your parent is enrolled in a Medicare Advantage or Medigap Plan, the insurance company’s customer service line can explain the specific benefits details
If your parents aren’t eligible for these services but still could use the additional help, ask them about their budget and help them research their options. For example, Care Yaya is a resource that connects senior citizens with healthcare students in nearby top universities to provide affordable, quality care.
Again, start with asking. Ask the caregiving parent what is stressing them out or what they need, and try to find ways to alleviate some of the pain points. It’s possible that they don’t need extra health aides, so no reason to push it! What about help with ordering groceries online, trying a meal service, or finding a therapist or caregiver group to feel more supported? Whatever it is, just listening to the caregiving parent’s needs and making any effort to try to support them can mean a lot. That is an important part of long-distance caregiving.
Make the Most of In Person Visits
When my dad’s health took a sharp downturn shortly after my son was born, I flew across the country with my newborn in tow. School had just started for my daughter, so she stayed home with my husband. It was right after my maternity leave had ended, and I was already overwhelmed. There was stress from returning to work, managing postpartum hormones, dealing with my parents’ health issues, and now unexpectedly taking more time off. The thought of the visit being unproductive was just too much to bear.
So, on the very first day, I grabbed a piece of paper and asked my parents to write down their most important priorities. We ended up jotting down more than I could actually get done that week, but crossing things off, like going to Costco, bulk cooking meals, and my personal favorite, using the riding lawn mower, felt satisfying. Planning your visits with clear priorities like doctor appointments, home safety checks, and errands can really help. And don’t forget to ask your parent directly what would be most helpful.
At the same time, my parents kept saying what they really wanted was just to spend time together. At first, I felt frustrated, like they were being polite but not telling me what they needed. But the truth is, they were telling me. Time is fleeting, especially as health issues arise, and time with loved ones is precious. So balance your to-do list with quality moments. Watch a favorite movie, play a game, flip through old photos, or simply sit together. You are providing comfort and love through your presence, which may mean more than perfectly organizing the garage.
Manage Finances and Paperwork
The need for this can vary widely by your parents and their circumstances. Some parents may have very healthy financial lives, a trusted financial team, and be fully competent to handle it all. Other parents rely mostly on their Medicare payments, maybe a small savings cushion, and feel overwhelmed by their finances and this expensive world. Maybe the parent who handled the finances passed away and left the other one with a lot to learn.
As always, check in with your parents. Your support might be simple, like setting up automatic bill pay, canceling unwanted subscriptions, or even setting up a secure password manager to protect their financial accounts.
If your parent doesn’t have a Power of Attorney(POA), that is also something to look into. Ideally they would work with a lawyer on this, although basic forms are available via state government websites. There are Financial POAs and Medical POAs, and both give great power to the appointed agent. However, if a parent were to go through a sudden health event, such as a stroke, they may be unable to handle their finances overnight. It’s an absolutely terrible thought. But what’s even worse is scrambling to figure out who is going to take over, who has access to what accounts, and what your parent’s wishes would be. So if you can get the ball rolling now, everyone can breathe a little easier.
Use Technology to Your Advantage
Technology can be overwhelming but also a force for good. If a parent is at risk of needing medical support at any time, a wearable device like the MGMini Lite can bring peace of mind. It’s a monthly plan with available add-ons, like automatic fall detection. The watch has a one press button that can request help from emergency services and family members. It also has an online portal and app to manage things like emergency contacts and reminders, and allows access for family members or anyone in their “care circle”.
If your parents are worried about other types of safety, help them shop for things like video doorbells or motion sensors. This type of research and advice is very doable part of long-distance caregiving. If you have some of those items installed (for example, my family loves our Ring doorbell), then share that with your parents!
Another interesting tool is an automatic medication dispenser (I’m always learning so much about what’s available out there!). Why might a parent need one? If they’re managing multiple medications throughout the day, experiencing cognitive decline, or living with chronic conditions that require precise dosing, a dispenser can be a literal lifesaver. According to this article, “about 60 percent of older adults take their prescriptions improperly, and approximately 140,000 die each year as a result”. That’s an avoidable accident. The automatic medication dispensers can be rather pricey, but Medicare or private insurance plans may provide reimbursement, so check in with them. The Hero dispenser I linked just above will check if you can get their medication management service for as low as $0, and also has an AARP discount.
Take Care of Yourself While Long-Distance Caregiving
We’ve all seen the caregiving quotes- “You can’t pour from an empty cup”, “Put your own oxygen mask on first.”, “Self-care is not selfish”, or my favorite, “An empty lantern provides no light”. The quotes are so commonplace at this point that they can be easy to ignore. But don’t! The sandwich generation is in greater need than most of self care. We are at serious risk of burnout. The pressures and demands on our time, minds, emotions, finances, and even bodies can be relentless.
Take a moment to acknowledge that you just spend time reading a blogpost, digesting the information, looking for ways to better support your parents with long-distance caregiving! You are likely giving more of yourself than you’re even aware of – I know I am. So acknowledge that you are doing a lot, that burnout is a very real threat, and that you may still feel guilty you’re not doing enough!
Knowing you can’t and shouldn’t do it all is vital. If you take one item away from this post, perhaps just setting up a family calendar, then that’s wonderful. Or maybe you even just ask your parent what they need more of, and are thinking how to make even a small improvement for them. Amazing. Your parents are lucky to have you!
You may also find that more is being asked of you than you could possibly provide. Some parents have never met a boundary, and perhaps you haven’t either. So work on setting those boundaries and on finding out what you can actually accomplish without feeling totally frazzled. Working with a therapist, practicing mindfulness and/or meditation, exercising, and maybe joining a caregiver group are all tools that can help you stay grounded.
Like most other things in the sandwich generation, long-distance caregiving is not for the faint of heart! With communication, the right tools, well thought out visits, and love, you can stay connected and support your parents from afar.
