The Rise of the Sandwich Generation
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Ah, a sandwich. A source of true joy at best. A soggy disappointment with a side of food poisoning at worst. The meal that’s on plates and in lunchboxes every single day, it is relentlessly commonplace yet endless in variety. This truth is only part of why it’s the perfect name for an entire group of people – the sandwich generation. The other reason is what a sandwich is. Two pieces of bread, filling, and hopefully some spread or sauce. We are seeing the rise of the sandwich generation! So let’s dive into this sandwich while also accepting that the metaphor isn’t perfect, which is wonderful, since neither is the life it denotes.
Adults in the sandwich generation – the filling – care for both their children and their aging parents (the bread). This generation isn’t defined by birth year but by circumstance. In fact, it’s primarily people from Generation X and older Millenials that make up this unique group. And the spread or sauce? That’s the stuff that adds flavor to life: self-care, financial literacy, healthy habits, moments of joy, and more. Sure, you could leave the sauce out, but that would leave your sandwich so dry you might just choke on it.
Now, guess which part of this sandwich you actually have control over. The bread? Ha! If only. Turns out parents are their own people. What about the kids? Yep, humans too, with their own needs and quirks. But the filling? That’s you, me, us. We can take charge of our lives. And the sauce? Thankfully, that’s ours to add as well.
The Rise of the Sandwich Generation
Where did this sandwich generation come from and why is it growing? Life expectancy has generally increased over the last few decades. This has overlapped with other emerging trends. One is economic issues facing young adults, such as a lack of affordable housing, crushing amounts of student loan debt, and inflation. This means that more and more parents provide financial support to their adult children. The other relevant trend is people having children later in life. In the United States, the average age of first time mothers started increasing in the 1970s and has continued to steadily tick upwards. These trends have changed age dynamics, creating stark differences from those commonly experienced in the past.
I see this in my own family tree. My great-grandparents had their babies in their young 20s and my grandparents followed suit. By the time my great-grandparent’s health started to deteriorate, their children were empty nesters and could devote time to caring for them. Then came my parents, who had kids in their mid 30s. They started experiencing the pinch of having preteens and teenagers as their parents reached the 7th decade of life and the accompanying health challenges. It’s only recently I realized they had been the original filling and once upon a time I was the bread.
I left the bread stage behind, went to college, built a career, got married, changed careers, and had my beautiful first child at 34. This year, I welcomed my lovely second child, a month after my 40th birthday. My parents, now in their mid-70s, are navigating serious health challenges—one of them is battling stage four cancer. Years ago, we lost my father-in-law, and now my mother-in-law, in her mid-60s, is preparing for the first of two knee replacement surgeries. While my parents were juggling aging parents and kids for under a decade, it will be at least the next 18 years for me. I work five days a week in the tech industry, striving to grow and succeed in what is still a male-dominated field. The city my husband and kids and I call home has gotten so wildly expensive that it smirks condescendingly at my seemingly healthy salary. Life is already stressful but I’m smack in the middle of caring for kids and aging parents. I’m part of the rising sandwich generation. Whether I’m ready or not, it’s my turn as the filling.
The Overwhelmed Middle
There’s one word that sums up the situation above: overwhelmed. I’m the overwhelmed filling between two slices of dearly loved but high-needs bread. My job is mentally demanding, but when it’s finally my “downtime,” I’m researching summer camps, scheduling playdates, or Googling a procedure my dad is scheduled for.
A lot of my coworkers are younger than me and don’t have kids. When they talk about their relaxing vacations, nights at the brewery, or wild music festival adventures, it really drives home just how full of responsibility my life now is. I used to be like them and I’m genuinely happy they’re embracing life and youth. That’s a wonderful thing. But it also makes me realize why so much caregiving goes unnoticed.
Talking about how hard you tried to get your kids to engage on FaceTime with your parents, how you watched yet another Disney movie only to be too exhausted to finish your own, or how you sat quietly on the phone listening to your mom’s worries doesn’t exactly command attention. It’s easy not to share because it’s easy for others to dismiss. But this kind of emotional labor is work. Quiet, invisible, but very real work. It’s the work of holding others up.
I’m a relentless optimist by nature, which has its upsides and drawbacks. It helps me feel grateful for what I have and hopeful during hard times. But sometimes, that same optimism has pushed me to settle for less than I deserve, looking for silver linings when I really needed to admit something was just… hard. Right now, I cling to optimism as a tool to rise above the pressure. At the same time, I’m trying to remind myself that my needs, desires, and life all matter – not eventually, but now.
Building Resilience
Lately, I’ve morphed into more of an optimizer. Things I used to find boring, like daily planners and wall calendars big enough to hold everyone’s schedules, now command my attention! It’s not about being organized for fun (even though I admire people who are truly into that). It’s about preserving my sanity when life feels chaotic, which of course is often.
I’ve also had to find hacks to cram in all the to-dos. For example, fitness is important to me, but it can feel impossible with a desk job and a packed schedule. So, I use a bike desk and a standing desk, and even wrote a whole post about the tools helping me stay in shape.
I’m also learning to let go of what I can’t control—and focusing on the one thing I can: myself. I recently read a book called The Let Them Theory, and it feels like a must-read for anyone in the sandwich generation. I’m probably going to write a whole post about it soon, but here’s the short version: you can’t, and shouldn’t, try to fix everyone around you. You also can’t let them dictate your emotional state. When your life includes kids, coworkers, friends, a spouse or ex-spouse, parents, stepparents, and more, it’s a lot. There are countless voices, opinions, expectations, and needs. That’s okay, but we can’t let all of that take over until we’re drowning in everyone else’s lives but our own.
Even with a healthy balance, life stays bumpy. For me, the thoughts start to swirl: I’m in over my head. I’m under-supported. This is a marathon I didn’t train for, a storm the meteorologists didn’t predict, a sandwich I never ordered. A series of metaphors that don’t even tie together. What a relief just to say that out loud.
But staying in that headspace doesn’t help, and it definitely doesn’t make the sandwich any more delicious. As Mel Robbins, author of The Let Them Theory, says: “Let me” keep creating a life I love.
Caring for kids and aging parents – The Recipe
So, what’s the plan? First, let’s take a moment to unpack my ideals and beliefs because those are the source of action. I believe life – for me, for you, for anyone reading this – is a work in progress, always ripe for improvement. I know there are resources out there that we can tap into for a better life. I’m also hungry for gaining knowledge and figuring out how to use it to better myself and support the two wildly different generations depending on me. And yes, I’m craving some sauce for my sandwich.
With that in mind, here’s an overview of what we’ll be delving into together, post by post. Each topic here will be explored in depth with specific actionable takeaways that especially apply to the sandwich generation. You’ll find a lot of it applies to any caregiver in or flirting with middle age, even if they are only caring for kids or parents — open faced sandwich anyone?
…and more.
Here’s the thing: when we work on improving our filling and adding the sauce, even the bread soaks it up.
Let’s add some flavor to your sandwich!
